Sunday, May 22, 2016
Friday, January 22, 2016
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
People say, "Close only counts with horseshoes and hand grenades". What a weird thought, combining a simple, fun game of skill played by close friends on a lazy afternoon, and a weapon that destroys everything around it. It's like saying "fun is for Disneyland and dismemberment". Of course, for some people, I suppose that would be true. But my real point is that "close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades" is not true at all. Close also counts with many other weapons ranging from missiles to nuclear bombs- certainly with tear gas. Close also counts with swine flu transmission, magnets, flatulence, loud noises, running distances, near-empty gas tanks, etc. What were people thinking?
Marketing campaigns that didn't take off: From the Leather Tanning Board "Lay down and dye." From the Epileptic Assistance Foundation “Seize the day”. From the Table Grape Association "If you love your girlfriend, grape her!". From the Emery Board Information Council "Sometimes a pedifile is a good thing."
Who would ever want to meet someone who had been waiting for them with "baited breath"? Have you ever smelled bait? And then there's "clean as a whistle". Whistles are in people's mouths- they are filled with spit and germs inside that you can't even wash. A whistle is disgusting! Especially if it was just blown by someone with baited breath.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Fool me three times – you're kind of a dick. Fool me four times – I must have some sort of learning disorder. Fool me five times – I really do need to seek professional help and possibly get some kind of a caretaker. Fool me six times –you are a bastard- taking advantage of a disabled person.
If our army is meant to scare our potential enemies, why do we call it’s main force the infantry? If you make us mad, we’ll send in our “infant”ry. If you really make us mad, we’ll also send in our “toddler”y. If they need reinforcements, we’ll deploy our terrible twos. It just doesn’t seem that scary. But if we have to deploy our adolecentry, watch out!
If someone tells you to "listen and listen good", are they telling you to listen twice and pay better attention the second time? I assume so, or they would've simply said, "listen good". For this reason, whenever someone says, "listen and listen good", I try to let my eyes gaze a little bit in the distance so they'll understand the difference between when I'm listening and listening good.
Space is a new frontier with limitless possibilities. The space station is just the start and we are going to need a whole generation of bright new young eager people, willing to do the work necessary to advance our civilization. I just think it is such a shame that they will be emotionally scarred by constantly being called space cadets.
I see ads for nonprofits that say things like, “Changing lives – one child at a time”. And I think that's not too impressive. Simply as a matter of efficiency, I think they'd want to change the lives of two children at a time. Or why not three children at a time? I think I'll start a nonprofit that changes lives - five children at a time! That’s way more effective than those other crappy nonprofits.
The poor word “communicable”. It got in with disease when it was young and now everyone associates it only with disease-- in fact you don’t even need to say disease- just say “communicable” and people step back. Why can’t there be a communicable idea? It’s not fair. The word “virus” started as a disease but you can have a viral idea. Poor “communicable”.
I go into a lot of tall buildings that don’t have a thirteenth floor. I mean, really. If you place a placard by the elevator on the thirteenth floor and write “14”, will that change the chances of evil befalling you? Do you think the evil forces in the world are not smart enough to know that a floor that has a 14 sign on it is still the 13th floor? And if we are so concerned about the number 13, why don’t we just tell ourselves that after we are 12 years old, we become 14? If a few hotel nights on a floor marked 13 is enough to freak people out, surely an entire year at that age must be flirting with the worst of disasters. By the way, you 13th floor fearers, many hotels have one or more basement floors, so floors 11 or 12 may actually be the thirteenth floor. If I were you, I’d just stay clear of staying on any floor with two digits.
Monday, January 11, 2016
The authorities have actually gotten us to the point that when we go through airport security lines, we actually frisk ourselves. I do it and I see others do it. You put all your stuff in the bin and before you go through the metal detector, you actually pat yourself down just to make sure you don't have any other metal objects. If you found a knife or gun, would you arrest yourself?
Talk about a smear campaign! That one four-letter word, you know, with the "F", has ruined it for all other four-letter words. Now it's bad simply being a four-letter word when you are called out as such. "He used a four letter word" means he said something bad. Any four-letter word when you identify it is now bad! It seems so unfair to all those words! Sincerely, Dave.
A Purdue University team in 2006 found that 30 percent of Baptists are obese, followed by 22 percent of Pentecostals and 17 percent of Catholics. Compare that to only 1 percent of Jews and 0.7 percent of Muslims, Hindus and Buddhists. It seems the people who are chased most in the US are leanest. Makes sense to me.
Some online dating lines: "I'm an old fashioned Italian guy-- Equally comfortable in concrete boots or at the bottom of the lake". "My friends describe me as someone who is dangerous - very, very dangerous - if off my meds". Ideal first date: You give me a million dollars and you don't give me herpes.
There are 7 billion people alive today. In 1900, the world population is estimated to have been only 1.5 billion. So projecting further backwards in history, it would seem that probably quite a large percentage of all humans that ever lived are alive now. This means that a majority of all butt wipes, dick wads, pricks, bastards, assholes, dumb fucks, thugs, thieves, murderers, and cads who ever lived are still alive and in our midst right now. Nice...
With online dating, all the women say in their profiles that a great first date would be a long walk on the beach. Has anyone actually ever done that on a first date? Is there some beach somewhere with tons of people on long walks right now that I am not aware of? What happens in the winter? Is there no dating?
The true Saddam Hussein legacy when all is said and done will be the phrase "mother of all ..." as in "the mother of all battles". It is the mother of all phrases. I could never have come up with it. I would have promised the United States the second cousin of all battles, or maybe the crazy bachelor uncle of all battles.
If, in order to be qualified as a doctor, you must first be reviewed and accredited by other qualified doctors, then certainly the very first ever person to be accredited as a doctor was a fraud, right? He/she wasn't accredited by other qualified doctors. And then everyone he/she accredited is also then bogus, leading to the conclusion that, in fact, all doctors are bogus and not qualified, which has certainly been my experience.
You know if someone is calling in the experts, something has gone terribly wrong. If we are hearing from expert economists, its because the economy is in free-fall. If you turn on the news and see an aviation expert, you know some plane crashed. If you read comments from an architectural expert, you know some building just inexplicably collapsed. So my question, rather obvious actually, is where the hell are the experts BEFORE the problem? If they are such experts, why didn't they handle the situation before the shit hit the fan?
Earlier I was at the gym, and noticed as is often the case, that in the men's room, there is one urinal that is lower on the wall than all the others. Now I wonder why not just have ALL the urinals lower? Why bother having two different heights? Seems to me that the lower urinal works just as well (gravity, you know). In fact, I am here now asserting that the lower urinal is superior to the higher one. The higher one, as is well known, encourages horizontal streamage, which results in what the experts call "splash-back". The lower urinal engages a downward arc, making a smaller angle to the wall, thereby reducing splash-back (diagram intentionally not attached).
We should do a public service announcement about SLS- Sudden Life Stoppage- a syndrome that lays dormant and can strike at any time, although usually it happens after a long bout with cancer, or a heart attack. You never hear anything about it, yet it strikes millions of Americans each year, and as our population grows, SLS has risen in direct proportion.
Have you ever considered that a Cyclops would be a really dangerous driver? No depth perception, right? That must be why although you see cab drivers who are trolls, zombies, etc., you never see one who is a Cyclops. In fact, it makes me wonder about all the stories of Cyclops’s and mythical battles. Why couldn't you just paint a background very similar to what is actually behind you and keep creeping closer to the Cyclops- I mean they have no depth perception right? Then when get right up against them, you could just kick him in the balls? (or ball- do we know if the one instead of two is limited to eyes only)?
Plan ”A” sometimes does not go the way you want which is why you should always have a plan “B”, but plan “B” often doesn't happen exactly the way you want, so you occasionally even hear about a plan “C”. Why is that you never hear about plan “D”? Obviously if you have a plan ”D”, you must've given the whole concept a lot of thought, considering all the various permutations. If you have a plan ”D”, that would suggest to me that you really know what you're talking about and plan ”D” is likely to be the best plan of all. My point in all this is to always go with plan ”D”. Now I know what you are thinking, “If plan ”D” is even better than plan ”A”, ”B”, or ”C”, why not go with ”E”? Well that's obviously stupid because who would want to go with a plan ”E”? It just sounds dorky! Nothing successful begins with E - only cute things like elephant or benign countries like Ecuador. In fact you should stay away from plan ”I” and plan ”O” as well. They just sound completely pathetic and no one will get behind them. Definitely don't touch plan ”H” because it sounds like some sort of hemorrhoid medication. If you must know, the very coolest plans would be plan “N”, plan “Q”, plan “X” of course, and as a last resort, plan “Z”. Having given this some thought, I can't see why anyone would ever even consider going with plan “A” or even plan “B”. There are just so many other options!
Airplane life preservers should contain helium. Helium is lighter than air, so would be more buoyant in the water. If you lost hold of it, rather than floating off, it would float up and be easier for planes to see. Lastly, it would make the plane slightly lighter, saving on fuel and producing less pollution. Industry should pay me for this stuff.
Apples are amazing. An apple costs 50% less than another apple that is twice its size. Apples have 100% of all the vitamins and minerals contained in an apple. They come in a variety of colors AT NO EXTRA CHARGE! An apple has appeared in every single Oscar winning move that has ever featured an apple. If an apple could pilot an airplane, then as unbelievable as it may seem, an apple could pilot an airplane! Apples are amazing!
Ever walked into a restaurant, auto body shop or other establishment and had no one notice you walked in, and you asked yourself the question "Who 'you gotta know around here to get some service"? Well I've researched it and the answer is you need to know Marvin Peckler. Knowing his wife Marylyn can help too.
There comes a time when a boy becomes a man, and the world is looking for him to move beyond school and fun, and begin to take his place in society. It is then that he has to make a choice about what he is going to do with his life- either be a train conductor, a policeman, a fireman, an astronaut or a cowboy.
My birth name was David, but I am now on a spiritual journey and have decided to change my name. I am aware of the confusion this can cause with people who already know me, so my new name, which is entirely different than my birth name, will be pronounced "David". I shall also spell it "David" to avoid confusion. So please, out of respect for me and my spiritual path, from now on, only call me “David”.
The communist version of social networking should be "OurSpace" - it's socialist networking-- You can get added as a comrade. There are two color schemes to choose from-- grey and charcoal. There are only two features and they don't work that well. They are: "Report your friends for being enemies of the state", where you can easily drag photos of other people into the "Gulag" box, and "Praise the glorious government” where you can add comments like "I pledge my loyalty to the party".
When there is a sudden loud or shrill sound near your house, your dogs' or cats' ears perk up and they all turn their heads-- sometimes you get to see all them do it in unison and it is cute. But consider that at that moment, there are hundreds of other neighborhood dogs, cats, birds, squirrels, skunks, etc. who all perked up and turned their heads at the exact same moment in some grand orchestra of curiosity-- kind of cute...
If most people are like me, they expect to live a long time. But of course statistically, some people's lives will be cut short - so overall, people will on average not live as long as they think. So if you are like me (and not a pessimistic person thinking you will die young), your thoughts about how long you will be on this earth, statistically speaking, are incorrect and you have less time than you think. So make yourself useful.
You hear pundits from law enforcement and victim's rights groups taking all the time about the "three strikes" rule and whether it is unfair and should be changed. But why should we pay attention to what these people who aren't involved in baseball say anyway? Baseball games take long enough as it is- let’s not go changing the three strikes rule.
OK folks- I have some answers to lay some questions finally to rest: The chicken came first. Deal with it. The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything (as many people already know) is 42. Peace will come when people stop fighting each other. The big bang occurred as a result of a careless mixing of chemicals by my brother late one night. Birds suddenly appear every time you are near because just like me, they long to be close to you. A man must walk down 22 roads before you can call him a man. (Women need only walk 16). Only one very small angel can dance on the point of an average sized needle, and they need thick ballet shoes.
Have we not all said "I'm stuck in traffic"? Now think about it. We talk like we are victims in our car who are stuck amidst all these other people in cars clogging the roads. But of course we ARE the traffic. We are in our car clogging up the road complaining that we are amidst all these OTHER cars clogging up the road. YOU are the TRAFFIC THAT OTHERS ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT. Just seems like a huge dodging of responsibility for a problem we are part of.
Lots of combined words don't make sense. I have heard people describe the condition of "sexoholic". There is even a "Sexaholic's Anonymous" program. What exactly is sexahol? It sounds like a very interesting drink that I would like to try - in moderation of course. And what about all the "athon"s like bikeathons and telethons? They mean nothing. Marathon was just a place in Greece whose name got used for a race. There is no place called Bikeathon.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
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